Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going to the movies to watch Oculus today like the good lord intended

   The whole resurrecting from the dead thing is too hard for kids to grasp. Egg sh*tting bunny? Yeah lets go with the egg sh*tting bunny.

   On Easter Sunday when Jesus came forth from the tomb and ascended into heaven he was technically moving back in with his parents.

   God isn't the problem. The problem is his fan club.

   There is a thick line between ok sex and awesome sex.

   I hope when Jesus comes out of his cave, he sees his shadow so we can finally have spring.

   Past mistakes are meant to guide you, not get her pregnant.

   .... Happy Easter!!! ... BTW it's also 4-20 ... so it's also Easter Bowl Sunday!

   I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.

   5 inches = 12.7 cm American men, NOW do you want to switch to the metric system?

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   How strong am I?...hmm, Is Whiskey a level?

   My safe word is Obamacare.

   I am a collection of unfinished songs Michael Jackson left behind.

   What's with these atheists getting all snarky on us believers on Easter. We didn't give them a hard tome on April Fool's Day.

   If you say Snoop Dogg's name three times in the mirror, your weed will disappear.

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts

   Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.