Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   There's a HUGE difference between sarcastic and sardonic. I'd call you intellectually challenged but I'm fresh out of euphemisms.

   Don't hate me because I'm single. Hate me because you are married.

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   RESEARCH: Bilderberg, Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, Committee of 300, Skull and Bones Society, HAARP, Chemtrails, Project Bluebeam, Georgia Guidestones

   It's a little difficult to fully immerse yourself in a band called "I hate myself" when hmv is blasting pharrels "happy" over the sound system.

   We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)

   "Happy Earth Day! Our planet looks pretty good for only being 6,000 years old!" - Ken Ham.

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.