Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   Pro tip: If you use the rest room at Wal-mart, it will be more sanitary if you *don't* wash your hands afterwards.

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I am woman. Hear me whine.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   I hate it when I'm trying to make money and someone greases the stripper pole.

   The quickest way to a man's heart is to saw through the thoracic cage of ribs and sternum, and then penetrate the pericardium

   I am a woman, hear me sharpen my claws.

   Let's just call a restraining order what it really is......a challenge

   Damn are you a library book because you're old and slightly damaged but I'm still going to check you out.

   Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

   Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   No "It's not complicated". One of you is just a dumbass.

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   Administrative Professionals Day is the best way to find out who doesn't know they're an administrative professional.

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.