Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   RIP to all those men who needlessly died at Gallipoli so that the corporations could benefit from another war.

   Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.

   I'm not entirely sure a life spent smoking e-cigarettes is worth prolonging.

   Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… Like you ate a pinecone every single day.

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   Ladies;if a guy invites you to his place and u're like..."hope we not fucking" there's a Special place for you in hell

   Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   My 3year old just swallowed some quarters and pennies. He seems ok now, I'll let you know if I see any change

   My ass cheeks are so tight, when I fart only my dog can hear it.

   I'm drunk and I've got work tomorrow, but on the plus side. I'm having a great conversation with my dog

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   I only have two questions for my next girlfriend. 1. Do you want to marry me? 2. Why not?

   What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.

   Did you hear about the joke that EJ Manuel told his receivers? It went over their heads.

   What do the Chicago Cubs and possums have in common? Both play dead at home and both get killed on the road!

   I wish "Earth Day" was a realityh show in which we can vote people off of the planet.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time