Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people’s phones.

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   I won the spelling bee in second grade due to a technicalaty.

   There is a quadriplegic convention downtown this weekend. That place is going to be crawling with people!

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?!"

   Unfortunately, these days being fake doesn't require any plastic surgery!

   Solange finally got a hit!!

   On a scale of Chris Brown to Jay Z, how aggressive are you with a crazy woman?

   I don't what the big deal is with Michael Sam. NASCAR has had Jeff Gordon for years! Bahahahaha!

   The Jay-Z incident - That's why I strongly believe women deserve equal rights. And lefts.

   Unless you have health insurance and a college fund for it, owning a pet doesn't not make you a parent!!

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

   Good news for all the ladies that felt out this Mothers Day...I am extending my offer for an additional 30 Days... One free insemination! your place or mine...now open 24/7...guaranteed satisfaction..Ladies don't be left out next Mothers Day...get knocked