Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite part of a date is when he walks her to the door and kisses her goodnight and I cry in my car watching

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I’m good at pointing and saying, “You can tell she wants it.”

   I don’t have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid

   I don’t know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   Just went down to get my driver’s license renewed but this time I made sure I was drunk for the picture. Now if I ever get pulled over for drunk driving, they’ll just think I’m spastic.

   If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   California a maltese dog cost around $1000, You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”

   Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

   Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world...

   Apparently when someone posted on Facebook that they found God, asking for a picture is frowned upon!