Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

   My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how freaking stupid some people are.

   The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you d*ck head.

   Does Joel Osteen give anyone else the creeps or is it just me?

   "I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.

   Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.

   My favourite yoga position is your legs on my shoulders.

   Fellas; There is no need to have a Facebook war. There are enough women to go around on Facebook for you to have a fake relationship with.

   I tested positive for Facebook.

   Craving margaritas is an emotion, right?

   Bet you didn't know that before leaving the factory every Tickle Me Elmo doll receives two test tickles.

   If I could only bottle this feeling I'm feeling right now, then the world would be able to experience my slightly annoyed indifference!

   People without a college degree: A piece of paper don’t mean jack$hit. People with a college degree: Hey you, get back to work.

   Sighing heavily all day long counts as cardio, right?

   All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.

   reminding yourself you haven't got any kids is the best news ever...

   If you make minimum wage and demand $15/hour, you are greatly overestimating your importance to an organization.

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? The brave fallen solders of WWII fought so hard to defeat the Nazi’s so we can have the freedom to change the channel.

   the pope is in Israel with a sheikh and a rabbi. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   I paid $12.50 for movie tickets. Forget that the people are noisy, the popcorn and drinks are overpriced, and the movie itself stinks....I wanna know why there was no cartoon.