Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all.

   At the end of the new Adam Sandler movie they don't roll the credits they roll the blames.

   One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.

   Anne Davies passes away and on the same day her twin sister Phil Mickelson is in the news for insider trading. What are the odds?

   Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.

   Have you ever farted and it smelled so bad you had to leave the room?

   A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

   Damn hard of hearing pharmacist. I had trouble sleeping so I asked for Nytol. He gave me Mydol. So here I am, wide awake, but I have to admit the cramps and bloating are gone.

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now.

   Seems like a circular driveway would be pointless...how would you ever get out?

   My girlfriend isn't much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!

   RIP Ann B. Davies (Alice from The Brady Bunch) The closest thing to a lesbian on 70s tv.

   sometimes I turn on my FB chat just to see who is pooping at the same times as me.

   Women should come with a Carfax report!

   5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.

   My son asked me the other day what an anecdote is. I sat him down, looked into his eyes, and told him I could not think of an example.

   Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..