Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   Someone needs to tell all the other horses that its CC's birthday today.

   Would using 2 Sleepy Time Tea bags instead of 1 be conscidered over-medicating? Asking for a friend.

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.

   sitting here watching "102 Dalmations" & I wonder if Lady Gaga got her fashion sense from Cruella De Vil

   Give me constant mixed messages so I know..............nothing.

   I like you, but not 'get dressed and leave the house to see you', like you.

   Let's be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.

   I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart.

   What you call a "morning wood" I call "breakfast in bed"

   Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account

   i cant believe that cop put me in the backseat when I clearly called shotgun

   my friends think there is something wrong with me, where's all the funny stuff?

   My safe word is "the c0ndom broke".

   This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...