Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

   "Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.

   She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we're taking it slow now.

   Make the best out of a bad situation by ignoring it.

   20 years ago today the famous OJ Simpson white Bronco chase. As you know he would later be found not guilty in a Calafornia court of murder...Ironically.... He wakes up this morning in JAIL !!! Gotta love Karma!!!

   When did old skanks become cougars?

   If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

   Girl, this is gonna be an amazing night *bookcase rotates to reveal wall of wrestling DVDs* Ok, so which WrestleManias have you not seen

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?

   I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.

   I'm pretty sure the cause of all divorces can be traced back to marriage.

   My relationship status went from being "single" to "still single"

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/