Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ladies, wtf is wrong with a selfie with just a normal smile??

   When bad things happen to good people, I usually try to take a picture with my phone.

   Leaving some stones unturned is just fine with me.

   I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.

   If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong...

   I can't wait to see all the $hit people start throwing at drummers now!

   It's sad when people on welfare make more money than I do

   Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.

   I'm regreterosexual.

   I'm killing drinks like it's the alcoholocaust.

   Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.

   Don't be upset that you're single; be happy that someone isn't ruining your life.

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.

   Hey airlines; how 'bout you seat all the heavyweights in the same rows? I only got to sit in half the seat I paid for today!

   The worst part about having a teenager is every time I lose my weed, I freak out and wonder if my son took it.

   Women are beautiful creatures. Just beware of the claws, and fangs.

   Oh, you're a social drinker, I'm an anti-social drinker, nice to never meet you.

   Somewhere in the world is a woman named Rosetta Stone, and her husband still has no clue what the hell she's talking about.