Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My feelings for you haven't changed...after a year I still don't like you.

   This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.

   That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...

   The best part about being a plumber a friend told me is you can tell a snobby old rich lady that she needs a new ballcock with a straight face...

   If you mix Jack Daniels with a Smirnoff, are you drinking a jack-off?

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....

   There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.

   The " I got your nose game" is to be played with children! Try it on your pharmacist or the cashier at Target and they will call security!

   blunt so fat it swims with a shirt on

   Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn't" you can rest assured that he did.

   me:" cant come in to work today. I slipped in a snail trail and broke me ankle" boss:"on a nature hike?" me:"no walked in front of a theater playing 50 shades of gray"

   I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!

   It’s amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”

   I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.

   I'm working on my second million. I gave up on my first.

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   Its about time judges start sentencing evil mosters to botched executions.

   I finally got around to reading 50 Shades of Grey and I don't see what the big deal is.....I mean its no different then all of the other Sherwin Williams brochures that I've looked through......