Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glory hole one word or two? I want this email to my new boss to be perfect.

   *shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."

   I can’t date a woman who talks in her sleep. That’s all the standards I have. You can have one boob or hairy nipples and I will still get with you. Just shut up when you sleep.

   where there’s a will, the dead guy was probably rich.

   you sing about how you shot a b*tch and did cocaine, but when I download your music from the internet I’m the one doing something illegal?

   some people build walls to see who cares enough to bring them down, others build walls because they’re in the construction industry.

   “we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.

   Excited to try this new Starbucks Nigerian Ebola Blend this morning....yum yum

   We don't need to worry about an Ebola outbreak in the US. After all, our borders are secure, right?

   Well, Israel sure lost the last few people in America that still supported that terrorist country

   I just realized that I have exactly as many Oscars as Leonardo DiCaprio...

   I hate when there are other people at the bank.

   Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

   Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?

   The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel

   There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.

   I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.

   I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   A fire pole is just a stripper pole that grew up and got a real job.