Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?

   Every time someone uses Xmas instead of Christmas a kitten gets punched in the balls.

   Whoever made up the saying "It's the thought that counts" never got a pair ofcrocs for Christmas.

   People with kids that don't have a fireplace have an issue in the morning..

   Women- God’s version of Rubik cube.

   Whats the difference between Michael Brown and Michael Brown jokes? ... Michael Brown jokes will get old one day

   I think I'd rather be waterboarded than have to hear one more Xmas song.

   I bet Nike's socks labeled R or L are driving OCD people nuts!

   2014 was a good year, unless you were a brother resisting arrest, pointing a toy gun, selling illegal smokes or beating your lady...

   As punishment for hacking, Sony to send Justin Beiber on a North Korean tour.

   They say whoever smelt it dealt it, so technically this weed is yours officer

   Attention Walmart shoppers... If you where on the bottom of the pyramid at cheer leading practice, you should not be wearing yoga pants. Thank You.

   The Cosby Show. Where are they now? As far away from Billy Cosby as they can get. . .

   .Just found out former prez was hospitalized, was he covered by obamacare

   A grown man should NOT know the names of the members of One Direction.....as I do.

   Don't get too excited about Die-ins. They're not really dead! They're just acting like they can't take orders from police.

   Just wanted to wish happy holidays to engineers of the electricals. Your postt manage to survive!

   I made up a new drinking/card game. Its very simple to play, you simply draw a card and if its black you take a shot. Oh yeah, I call it Ferguson.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   I wonder if Patrick Swayze goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to make other ghost laugh.