Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Every time this gets a like an NFL ref gets kicked in the sack 
Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.
My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.
Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!
Tony Romo should seriously consider committing a Felony, He would be a hell of a Quarterback in a Penal League somewhere I bet... Hell of a Wide Receiver too...
It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.
Sure hope someone in the stands knows how to do the Heimlich maneuver today in Dallas because there are going to be a lot of Cowboys choking
Eve: I got an Apple... Adam:Ugh.. Eve: What?.. Adam: I thought we decided on Android?... Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My current clothing style is a combination of "sh*t I'm late", "sh*t it's cold", with just a hint of "I'm too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers".
Be careful what you pray for: you just might get it. Kidding! Prayer doesn’t work.
She lost me at, "I don't watch football."
May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott
No one will ever look at you the way I do.. .. .. But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.
Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.
I love the way my abs look... in the morning... when I suck in my stomach... and turn to the side... while squinting... and the lights are turned off.
I'm a Mexican but not a "I'm driving around the city with out car insurance" Mexican..
"What's a good kind of medicine to take for my health?" "I'm not sure. Hey there's Larry the Cable Guy driving a jet ski onto land. Let's ask him."
If you or someone you know is expecting and would like me to deliver the baby, please message me the date and location please and thank you. #bucketlist
Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt. 