Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it....when is it safe to leave the witness protection program??

   Corporate Rulemaking: "From now on, you will work with one hand tied behind your back. Our research shows this will reduce hand injuries by 1/2. Expected production rates will remain the same."

   I am gonna get death threats for this: I really hate peeps, they taste gross.

   Smooth jazz version of "In bloom" playing on KCRW right now. Somewhere Kurt Cobain is killing himself all over again.

   Whenever I see someone walking around with a selfie stick, I always wonder what happened for them to just give up on life like that.

   “How about a rope that's angry all the time” – GOD WHILE CREATING SNAKES

   Two things you'd say to a cat but never to a woman: "Stop licking me." "Get your b utthole away from my face."

   This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

   if you wanna be something today be an encourager, there's likely someone you know that needs one.

   human skull found by Hollywood sign that of a female.... Mouth wide open.

   I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.

   My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support

   I like the scene where Superman and Batman are having a picnic and then Ant-Man tries to steal their food.

   I wish these kids would stop crying. I won the Eater egg hunt fair and square.

   Seeing the media give most of their coverage to Trump and barely any to Bernie must be what watching the news in North Korea is like.

   ..... Attended a Reverse Ressurrection at the Cemetery today.

   If evolution is so real... why are the Kardashians still mating with monkeys?

   Behind every successful woman there is a man staring at her butt.

   Superman dies and Ben Affleck sucks as Batman

   I don't get why people pay $400 a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.