Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone is telling a sad story and crying, how long should you wait before taking a bite of your corndog?

   Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.

   Establish dominance by asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

   I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.

   When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

   Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

   My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

   My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

   Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

   If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

   I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

   The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

   Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

   My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

   Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

   Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

   Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

   I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

   Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.

   The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.