Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I invited the firefighters to your wedding, but I know a disaster when I see one.

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.

   How much for that babysitter? Ma'am, that's a roll of duct tape I'll take it!

   When you're truly beautiful you don't need to remind people in every other selfie caption.

   When someone you love walks away, they take your entire world with them.

   Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

   This Halloween I am going as a Bacon Ninja... not sure how to do it, but it sounds funny.

   The Happy Meal at Taco Bell comes with a pair of clean underwear.

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?

   What has 32 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk??? MY ZIPPER!!!!

   the Washington redskins should change their name to the foreskins, they could wear purple helmets

   I'm not saying I'm psychic, but I'm positive I will have no interest in what you're about to say.

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak Walmart.

   A doctor told me to smoke weed everyday. His name is Dr Dre

   Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they're not passing you some fake sh it.

   We get it, media. Ben Affleck and Bill Mahr argued over Islam. Isn't there some real news to report??

   Oh, I'm just a social drinker. Every time someone says, 'I'll have a drink', I say, 'So shall I

   Guy ahead of me at the ATM left his receipt and my balance is higher, so yeah, today is a good day after all!!