Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?

   You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married

   Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

   Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me

   "I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....

   *John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   I've always heard to "live everyday like it was your last" but noticed how much people will actually frown upon that kinda lifestyle.

   The new iPhone's are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. Here's an idea. If your phone bends too much, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.

   Showed up late for work and blamed it on rush hour. Showed up late again the next day and blamed it on rush hour 2.

   I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.

   “Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.

   How on Earth did Gorillas become experts on glue, they live in the rain forest. What are they gluing?

   My therapist told me I need to live every day as if it were my last. So, here I sit, eating a pint of my favorite ice cream and weeping.