Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants you to read this status... Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now bring me a beer!

   so your telling me that facebook is gonna start charging money monthly? You remind of the people that told me that about Hotmail.. TEN YEARS AGO!"

   It's kinda bad when other drunk drivers are lookin over at you like "Damn that dude really needs to pull it together"

   trying to give me the finger is like giving a spider the web. I'm just gonna spin it and use it to my advantage =)

   Did you say somthing, or did your brain fart..

   An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.".

   doin a walk threw judge people at the bar when I got hit by a dart, F you KARMA.

   Does anyone else think that all illegal immigrants should be given a Toyota to drive back across the border?? ;)

   Only in a god-fearing state like Arizona, can you get pulled over, detained, and fined if your name is Jesus

   Time flies when you press snooze

   the first to the fridge, the first to the couch, and most importantly the first to the remote. What it is to be a true champion......

   ever realize how similar Porsches are to porcupines? Except the porcupine has pricks on the outside....

   When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead

   says you look like... I need another drink

   An error has occured: User performed an illegal operation when they got out of bed. Return user to bed to continue.

   whats the main difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley davidson? The position of the dirtbag

   Amy Winehouse has completed re-hab and claims she is clean & sober. She also wants to be known as Amy Grapehouse.

   Don't be afraid of rejection..It hurts, but you won't die from it.!!!

   The word of the day is LEGS..... Ladies please spread the word.

   Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.