Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.

   two ways to get friends you never knew you had, join facebook and pull out a pack of gum!!!

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   ...didn't even know that Lindsay Lohan was addicted to milk. I thought it was crack...

   hates doing laundry and wishes her clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   girls have unique powers they get wet without water, bleed without an injury & make boneless things get hard.

   messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...

   'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!

   on the toilet pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean!

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls.

   So put that in your juice box and suck it!

   If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes,

   Would Like To Personally Thank VH1 and MTV. For helping the White Trash of America with jobs during these down economic times with the shows Jersey Shore, Tool Academy, And 16 And Pregnant..... Way To Stimulate Our Minds And Economy.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...