Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back

   If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

   Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

   Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

   There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

   There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

   Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

   I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

   forgot how delicious Vanilla pudding Snack Packs are and regrets to inform his children that they will not be making it to their lunch boxes.

   found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on...not sure which one.

   I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

   thinks parents are only as good as their dumbest kid... If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

   This is a mean,cruel world & I want my nappy & medications right now!

   I believe my entire life is one complicated drinking game...

   Have you crapped so violently that you back cracks and your legs spasms? Ohh, yeah me either...

   On the list of things NOT to do today....play with killer whale.

   If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

   Today I saw two of my Facebook friends join a group called "I hold my boobs when I run down the stairs".

   I was walkin past my neighbours white van that was covered in dirt ,someone had wrote on it, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van." I just couldn't help myself from writing, " She is... When your at work