Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders if she's the only one who gets nervous when she sees a Toyota in her rearview

   gonna dress as a fish for next Halloween and wear a sign that reads, "have worm will swallow"

   You cry I cry your happy I am happy you laugh I laugh you jump off a bridge I laugh even harder

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   The excrement made physical contact with a hydro-electric powered oscillating air current distribution device.

   wonders if anybody else has a thought that they take the time to type out sometimes...then wonder if it's too crazy to actually say...and erase it?

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   First they say that the Constitution guarantees privacy and then they send your Report card to your parents.

   Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

   not an alcoholic, just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?

   Attending a facebook rehab

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   high on life... dont worry. its just cereal. and its still legal :)

   I use to get a little nervous if I saw a policeman in my rearview mirror, these days I feel the same about a Toyota.

   just came to the conclusion that 50% of the poeople on my facebook page are nothing but virtual stalkers!!!!!

   believes walking like George Jefferson will burn 1000 calories a day

   Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

   do you realize that a fine is a tax for doing wrong and a tax is a fine for doing well?

   Does power cleaning the whole house in 6 hours qualify for a medal in the Olympics today? just askin'....

   A snowman is the perfect man. He's very well rounded and comes with his own broom. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.......somewhere else please.