Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....

   "Well, Bill, now I see how you came up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   there a way I can trade Kanye West, the Kardasians, and the Jersey Shore cast for one of the "Good ones" that died in 2016? Would throw Kathy Griffin in if it helps.

   Ever seen a human pyramid? Someone needs to explain to government and CEO's this concept. And about who falls farthest if any level fails...

   During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.