Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   I started seeing this girl in my building.But I don't think it's gonna work out, she keeps closing her blinds.

   At my age the only thing that gets TURNED on is MR. Coffee

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.

   The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.