Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so old I went to a Natural History Museum and the guards thought I escaped.

   Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

   A slice of apple pie is $1.40 in Jamaica, and $2.60 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

   *Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

   So, no baseball, hockey or basketball. What's next? No cornhole?

   We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough

   If dispensaries don’t offer “herb side pickup”, they are really missing out on a prime opportunity.

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?

   *Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

   Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"

   When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet