Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people don't have issues… They have a whole subscription

   Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is totally acceptable.

   Learn from your mistakes? It is far better to observe the stupidity of other people and learn from that.

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.

   How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share?

   My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.

   Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.

   Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.