Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Word of the Day: Gate Rape - An overly intrusive TSA screening at the airport.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.