Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.

   Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"

   When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.

   Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.

   I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

   My clothes are so old they were made in the U.S.A.

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself hot girl.

   There's nothing louder than a guy who's losing at something.

   If you play dumb to attract men, ask yourself why you want a man that likes dumb women.

   Ignoring me is not a punishment. If you want to punish me, tell me about your day. And withhold the booze.

   There are no winners when corned beef and cabbage farts are involved.

   WARNING TO YOUNG BOYS: Axe is NOT a substitute for a bath/shower.

   I don't necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f themselves is PRICELESS...!

   Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.

   Diamonds are women's best friends. Little shiny rocks are their best friends. This is the kind of crazy men have to deal with.

   I'm sorry your internet boyfriend cheated on you. I hope your husband will dry your tears.

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.