Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My outdoor patio furniture is breaking on me now. My transformation into "white trash" is almost complete!!

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   If you say "Swag" or YOLO" I probably hate you.

   It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

   Mario Kart is more fun if you imagine everyone's fleeing the scene of a brutal homicide.

   According to weather.com,,, there appears to be a HUGE ad for car insurance moving in from the west..... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES !!!!

   There's no place like home. (to poop)

   So apparently Justin Bieber is planning to visit the troops in the Middle East. Taliban, this is your last shot for redemption.

   If elected President, I would give out free window tint to all those people who sit at traffic lights and insist on picking their nose..

   Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

   I'm firming up my holiday plans. It looks like multiple trips to the kitchen plus an extended stay on the couch.

   So its safe to assume Kanye & Khadarshian's baby will have a huge butt and a huge mouth?

   If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   My wife says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   dear Friday, I'm ready..

   I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me or I can choose to move the f*ck on and leave it behind me.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store