Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.

   You might have a million dollar body, but you got a food stamp face!

   I realized today after seeing gray hair in the mirror that my dream of being a child star will never happen.

   Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don't worry that you don't have a girlfriend or wife, your's probably isn't born yet.

   Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti...... Hang on. It dosen't matter now......!

   And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

   This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China..

   I'm worried because a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She says she will use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her.

   Kayne West....made a song about Gold Diggers and now wants to marry Kim kardashian

   Shout out to all the girls that got pregnant last night and don't know it yet

   You don't call it stalking; you call it solving a problem.

   Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath"

   11 year old kids making Facebook accounts. What the hell are you gonna post about? 'Just got the new 64 Crayola pack......with the sharpener!'

   Putting $10,000 worth of speakers into a $5000 car is a sure way of never climbing out of your social class

   Try this: Tell your children over dinner, ''Due to the Economy,We are going to have to let one of you go!!!

   Washington D.C. got a ton of snow last weekend. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done. You know, sort of like when it's not snowing.

   Wife comes home and says "What would you do if I won the lottery?" "I would take half and leave your ass!" "good I won 12$ here's 6$ now get the fu$k out!"

   Sometimes I Feel No Matter What.... The Girlfriend Is Always Right Products

   passed a door in the stairwell with the sign: "Door is Alarmed." I told it to relax, everything is going to be okay.