Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child. Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple.

   Facebook needs a SERIOUSLY?!?? button

   Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

   An "ex" is called an "ex" because it's an EXample of what you shouldn't have again in the future ;)

   I like to slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the store and then watch their reactions when their checking out.

   Put your seatbelt on I wanna try something. I saw it in a cartoon, but I'm pretty sure I can do it.

   Hey, candy bar companies: My bite size far exceeds your pathetic estimates.

   thinking of adding you to his to-do list.

   Trust me when I say its better to walk in on both of your parents making love than just one of them !

   Veteran: Someone that wants to choke the crap out of the punk in front of you for not taking his hat off during the National Anthem. Someone that still gets queasy around dehydrated food. Someone that has to use all their might to not tear up during "Taps

   I hate when you try dodging someone walking the opposite direction and you both step the same way, twice.

   How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.

   I just returned a Rug Dr to Lowes. When asked if it worked ok I responded, "Yep got up all the blood and evidence as promised. I would recommend it to anyone"!

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Went to Arby's today, and had a buddy hide in the trunk. When we got to the window to pickup our order, We had him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.I turned up the stereo, and handed the guy my money, and said loudly "I LOVE this song!!"

   God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

   : Please do not take my kindness for weakness. Because I will not be afraid to knock you the hell out!

   Old is when your sweetie says, “Lets go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can't do both!”

   The single hand that wipes your tears during your failures is better than the countless hands that come together to clap you on your success.

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.