Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   I’m an organ donor. But I’ve just got to say, if someone gets one, they better be ready to smoke a carton of Marlboros and a ton of Red Bulls to get them to work right. Lol

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace