Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!” 
thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?
Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.
What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.
poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.
My cable goes out more than I do.......How sad!!
My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY
The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.
I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays
You don't get old, you just become a classic.
No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early...
KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.
: Dont you just wish you could go back to being a kid and let the adults take care of the problems that they created for themselves?
You know what''s so scary, but just so sexy at the same time? A hot woman kicking your a$$ in video games.....in your room.....on your bed.
Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.
The only time I ever nap is after hitting the snooze button. I took 32 naps this morning.
celebrating 1 year of sobriety today…I think it was 1972...
How can big pharma make millions of dollars selling laxatives to the elderly, when Taco Bell can manage to do the trick for $2.99? 