Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to the Quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   Its still winter because Mother Nature saw all our summer bodies and decided we weren't ready yet.

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.

   Ironic that my kids can't remember to say the "please" word but boy do they remember the word I used that one time in heavy traffic last year.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   WebMD is updating their servers because of a virus. Well, they think it's a virus, but it could be kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

   I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.

   Elon Musk should be awarded the Gold Medal of Freedom.

   It’s gonna be hilarious when the people who thought that Biden was going to forgive their student loans realize that he gave them a tax increase instead.

   If I die, don’t let me vote for Biden.