Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, passwords, credit cards, life, soul......

   Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   Libraries are a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn't be allowed to talk.

   Thanks to Facebook I met everyone's mother today

   Pretty sure birds wake up and spend 2 hours asking each other where the Sun is.

   Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools.

   This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.

   People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.

   If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs

   I pulled my wife's hair this morning. First, from the shower drain and then from my toothbrush.. Really wasn't all that hot, honestly.

   If you invite me to a party please make sure to have a cat or dog present so I have someone to hang out with.

   If Iron Man and Man of Steel were to team up, they'd be powerful alloys.

   Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.

   I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?

   Airlines have become so cash-strapped, they're also going to charge for emotional baggage.

   I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".

   Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.