Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm one of those Dads that tells his son to push back when he's been pushed.

   Being alive is so expensive.

   There is a certain brilliance inside people who conceal deep pain with comedy.

   Party like a rockstar is no longer acceptable. You party like Charlie Sheen, or you don't party at all !

   Mexican word of the day is MUSHROOM: Usage: “When all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom left.”

   what do you call a Chinese man with one leg ? Tye wun shu.

   " Dude,I wasn't that drunk." "....you gave a mushroom to a midget and kept yelling 'GROW MARIO GROW!'.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   Life is so much easier with a sense of humor.

   shouldn't the DMV have a drive thru?

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   I don't always delete people from facebook, but when I do, I prefer they constantly try to re-friend me and poke me. Stay desperate my ex-friends

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps… but now they think I'm lazy.

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!

   That mini heart attack when you can't feel your phone in your pocket!

   I am aware that I am less than some people perfer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.

   I'm not a smartass... Just being around me makes you feel like a dumbass...