Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP

   watched numerous horror movies without so much as a flinch, but I just crapped a brick when the toast popped up out of the toaster.

   Anybody who says they could never conceive of killing another human being just needs to meet more people.

   A friend will calm you down when you are angry. A best friend will skip beside you with a bat singing, "Someones gonna get it"

   99% of relationships involve tolerating how weird the other person is.

   if you love something and you were dumb enough to let it go then you didn't deserve it in the first place.

   thinking since we can get President Obama to show us his birth certificate... I'm now wondering if Sarah Palin's boobs are real? ;)

   Why do all the beautiful women with blond hair, dye their roots brown?

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.

   Really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day. I mean, I'd hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarassing.

   Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!!

   I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music,, denigrate means ‘put down'.

   I like to eat at Brazilian restaurants because there will be no hair in the food

   Uhm, excuse me waiter... I'd like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.

   Back in my day, Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   Why is it I can't get mobile reception sometimes, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?