Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm about to rewrite history. History.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   You Need To Realize if you take Facebook seriously. People won't take you seriously.

   Study: The act of eating, browsing the net, and listening to music with an open text book near by.

   The cheaper the phone, the harder it is to break.

   A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??

   Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it.

   Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.

   ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Justin Bieber

   10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden - In his house.

   What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS? A bi*ch who will track you down

   Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family!!!

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night.

   Richardmooney26 Sucks! ...and that's all I'm going to say.

   Ok, Time to play word scrabble. "PNEIS"! Did you get spine? Like hell you did, you pervert

   I wish I could type my mood into my iPod and it would make a playlist for me.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that said "Honk if you have a small Pe nis" then intentionally cut everyone off in traffic.

   As I get older, I've learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I'm drunk.

   My new nickname at work should be "Laxative" cause I make sh*t happen.