Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that sh*t quick.

   When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"

   3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((

   Fellas: Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

   I saved my girlfriends phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'. Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger unknowingly.

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   After 31 free samples,, I decided I wasn't really in the mood for Baskin Robins

   I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   Today, I was rejected by a girl when she told me she is not ready to date. We met on a dating website

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   It's not my fault you didn't read the fine print. I came with a warning label.

   What is the meanest thing you can do to a person? Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!

   Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you alot and think of you often.

   mourning the passing of Saturday & Sunday. *pours out a bit of coffee* "I enjoyed the times we had. You'll be sorely missed." *Glances at Monday.* *Monday stares back.* "Awkward."