Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're just a wet paper towel on a stick .

   Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????

   If your boyfriend remembers your eye colour after the first date, then you probably have small B**Bs

   It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight

   80% of electricity is made from fossil fuels so how are electric cars saving the environment??

   The spread of the coronavirus is based on two factors. 1) How dense the population is. 2) How dense the population is.

   Peeing after holding it in for over an hour is one of the best feelings that isn't taxed or illegal..

   I don't care if Facebook says you've got friends. Don't believe everything you read

   Internet explorer 10, because how else will you download Google chrome and Firefox?

   Definition: Brain - Your body's hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.

   Some people will "LIKE" whatever you post on your wall....and it's probably not because they like or understand it ... but it is because "YOU" posted it.

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...

   If my job was to make health questionnaires, I'd slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"

   I hear Katy Perry hired Taylor Swift to write her a break-up song. Adele is producing...

   Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.

   March 24. Springtime. Cold, windy, and snow... But this groundhog stew is DELICIOUS!

   I'm southern but not, "Calvin peeing on things decal on my truck" southern.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   I wouldn't even know what to do in a threesome. Probably jumping jacks.