Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say no to drugs and socks with sandals

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   How come I never got invited to eat tacos outside Bills office?

   When the bed is making more noise than the girl, it's probably time for a replacement.

   Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.

   Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

   "Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin

   I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....

   To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.

   I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

   How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?

   'North Korea threatens new nuclear test.' Pfft... Lets be honest, have you ever owned anything made in Korea that worked?

   Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend.