Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   I don't need to see 48 pictures of the vehicle you just bought. It's a used Sonata. Relax.

   Craigslist has just shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   thinking what is this world coming too?... I started to Google "Is it wrong", when Google started to fill in the suggested searches... Ah... well.... disturbing

   Likes it in the kitchen... where it belongs

   Without the proper bra support, I run like Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   Thanks facebook, I'm really getting the hang of stalking now!

   It's very easy to sacrifice for a friends whats really hard is to find a friend who deserve it

   The smallest woman can break the biggest man in the world with three little words: Is it in?

   wants to open a combination Spanish and Italian restaurant and call it "Que Pasta"

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   There's something oddly satisfying about turning off my computer by holding down the power key. Who's in control now, b!tch?

   Merry Christmas! oh, its not evern thanksgiving yet? well, how about we forward that memo to the stores, cause its beginning to look alot like christmas..EVERYWHERE I GO!

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   hates it when the girlfriend asks him to hold her handbag and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   My new years resolution is act like I am interested in your new years resolution