Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm tired of people seeing me and telling me they called me and I didn't pick up. "Yes, I remember ignoring that".

   When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."

   Remember the days of He-Man, Ninja Turtles, Rainbow Brite, Pound Puppies and Pee Wee's Playhouse? Those Saturday mornings were worth getting up for....

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like.

   Bieber wasn't in that car by chance was he?

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   "Boob" is the perfect word. The B looks like an aerial view of them, the 2 o's look like a front view, and the b looks like the side view.

   Heads up... If your significant other is paranoid about you cheating, it probably means they are.

   You need to have an open mind, but not so open that your common sense falls out.

   A Sunday school teacher once saw me leave a door wide open and asked "Were you born in a Barn?!" She shut up real quick when I replied "You mean like JESUS?!!!"

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   saw a sign in the hospital the other day that read "Family Planning - Use rear entrance" ........ good advice I thought

   Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

   "Who are we?" "Women!" "What do we want?" "We don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Now!"

   If I get a teardrop tattoo, do the welfare checks come to the house or is it direct deposit?

   Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.

   We're only 4 years away from when Back to the Future 2 happens.

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   girl, your pants are so tight, I could read your lips!