Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   Questioning me about stupid things like why there’s a wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   Hate when ppl use their zodiac sign to justify sh^tty behavior. Like "sorry I can't help it I'm a Scorpio." No Susan you're just a bi*ch!

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...

   That weird moment when you're at a friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog....

   I don't know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.

   I could be wrong but I think Kanye West is on the verge of having a Britney 2007 meltdown.

   I have alot of good personality traits,,,,, I just don't happen to have them on me at the moment.

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   Alex, I'll take 'same sh*t, different day' for $800.00, please.

   Tips on How to fall down the stairs.....Step 1, then Step 2... Step 5 Step 9 Step 12 Finally the Floor