Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Pretending to be nice is exhausting....

   Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...

   If I give you a card for any occasion know that there is a 97% chance I bought it 30 minutes before I gave it to you & then signed it while parked in your driveway.

   Female mannequins create unrealistic portrayals of women....mostly because the mannequins don't talk.

   Been watching my neighbor through the blinds, he's so creepy....

   No Nancy, I can't come to your essential oils party. I have to organize my liquor cabinet.

   Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   HA ... The Government says that 93 Million people are out of work but yet say that Unemployment is only at 5% ..... The total population of the US is 325 Million so I guess they're using Common Core Math to arrive at that result.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   OK folks ... I have been working to unify relativity and quantum mechanics into a single unified theory of life the universe and everything........ So far I have discovered that beer is good.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Marriage is just your spouse always standing in front of the drawer or cabinet you want to open.

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering WTF it was protecting its eyes from

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a weird red haired son named Ronald who wore makeup, dropped acid, and talked to hamburgers and purple monsters.