Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

   My favorite state to visit? Unconsciousness

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.