Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   Walmart Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?... Me: Well, I couldn't find-..... Cashier: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don't actually care.

   If you do good deeds and post them on facebook, they're not good deeds anymore, they're self promotion .

   “i’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “im telling mom”

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   For a detective, a surprise party is the ultimate insult.

   My favorite form of gratification is instant.

   My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.

   Children's berry flavored delsym on the rocks... For when you're sick but still want a drink to sip on.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   The human soul weighs 1.3 lbs. I have no proof of this other than my friend who's an attorney saying that he weighed himself immediately before and after passing the Bar exam.

   I work very hard at my job but if the opportunity arises to become a rich housewife, I'm taking it.

   Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.