Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   I wonder if he will put Hillary in jail now?

   Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   What does "prices too low to advertise" mean? Are they afraid if they advertise the price that too many people will want to buy it?

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I got Jennifer Aniston's autograph! Well, it's on a restraining order but still...

   Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.

   Of all the poop in this world, who decided that bat shyt's the craziest?

   Mom: Clean up your room. We have company coming over for dinner. Me: And we're all going to eat in my room?

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...

   Just so everybody's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

   When I was younger I wanted to play guitar really badly. And after lots of hard work and practice, I now play the guitar really badly.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

   I am already ashamed of some of the things I will be doing over the festive holiday.

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.