Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The way I feel when a waiter finally brings my food is probably similar to the excitement of a dude on Maury who just got told he's not the father.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   wondering, how many rich people in Nigeria is there? Cause every day, according to my emails, at least 5 die & want to leave me their money...

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.