Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smell that? Time for Joe’s diaper change.

   I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

   You're 15 years old. You smoke. You're not a virgin and you wear more make-up than you do clothes. You have a bright future ahead of you.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.

   Difficult to call it a "botched execution" unless he suffered longer than his victim.

   All women want is sex , while the guys just want to talk about feelings and cuddle..

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

   Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, I had to high five him.

   Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   PROUD to be serving as a Paratrooper in the U.S. Army Infantry....

   wondering what would happen if he wrote, "For Marijuana" in the memo field of all his checks? ...

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

   Dear Congress, Before stopping military pay, you might want to think about what you trained us to do. Sincerely, A Proud Soldier

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   Won employee of the month again! I love being self employed.