Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".

   PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   According to the BMI chart I am too short.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?