Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   I'm only 30 lbs away from my New Year's resolution to lose 20 lbs!!

   Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.

   Dear Miley, there were at least 4 things missing from your VMA performance - Talent, Dignity, Grace and Self Respect.

   Fun Fact: Vanilla Ice's original album To the Extreme has sold more copies than every Justin Bieber album combined. Word to yo mutha.

   NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".

   The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is getting the whole soap/personal care section all to yourself.

   My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   Screw doing sit ups...teddy bears don't and everyone loves them.

   there is 1 Adderall in my system and 3057 bricks on the front of my house.

   I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.

   thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!

   .♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫

   DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....

   Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."

   I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time

   Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"

   you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.