Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….

   So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard

   Most awkward place on earth: An elevator. 5 strangers. Silence. A bad smell.

   Never run after a bus or a woman....There will always be another.

   "Let me put it simply. You can't find out who sees your profile. You won't win Southwest Airlines tickets. You won't know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter. There are no free iPads. And you can't see the video of Osama's death.. Not on

   My biological clock must be off.. I'm getting morning wood in the evening

   How do I approach my neighbors and tell them that their WiFi isn't working properly and they might need to reset the modem?

   When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they're just thinking for the first time.

   Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

   According to my current parking spot I'm a physician

   The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.

   Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name, I always say he hasn't told us yet.

   Guys, for Valentine's Day leave 3 notes scattered around your house for your girlfriend that say "Will", "you", and "me." That'll keep her busy while you watch sports.

   Screw you Adobe! I spend more time downloading Adobe updates than i've ever spent using Adobe.

   I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.

   I can't get out of bed. These blankets has accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust!

   Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"