Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Years resolution is simple.... Remember to write 2015 instead of 2014.

   Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.

   "No, I will not pick up that tiny piece of paper or that clump of dog hair. Hey Look!!!! A Sock!!!!" ~ Vacuum cleaners

   I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.

   Keeping your job is the new raise

   If someone starts a sentence with "words can't express," brace yourself, because they're about to give it a hell of a try anyway.

   The Wizard Of OZ is 74 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no heart and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz, she would be in congress!! 😂😆😀

   I need a night time, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, pay my car note and utilities and buy a few groceries, so I can stay home and rest medicine.

   Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

   In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.

   Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.

   Playboy is dropping nudes because they're too easy to find on the internet? I had no idea. I only read the internet for the articles.