Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   unfortunately, my day dreams about being skinny are always interrupted with the sounds of my chewing.

   I gave the wrong answer to the "boxers or briefs" question. I replied, "Depends."

   WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.

   There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker

   old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"

   At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?

   You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.

   Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.

   Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...

   One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

   I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!

   So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....

   You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old.

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.